Dating, for someone who has BDSM and fetish interests, can be hard. That isn’t a first date conversation, however, you also don’t want to waste 4 or 5 dates before you find out someone doesn’t share your interest or worse, finds BDSM offensive.
There are dating websites geared towards BDSM, but most are scams. Even the legitimate websites are full of people that are inexperienced with BDSM or only want sex. This is a primer about how to find a relationship that is based on whatever your flavor of BDSM is.
First of all, the best way to find a partner is not a dating website. It is getting out and meeting real people at BDSM events. Many cities have BDSM groups that sponsor meeting and events specifically for new people
These events (often called “munches”) are the best option because they are well chaperoned and make sure that the people attending stay safe. It also allows you to bring a trusted friend or make friends there with people that share your interest. If you don’t want to go alone contact the organizer and ask for them to introduce you to someone of the same role that would introduce you around (Doms are helped by Doms, subs helped by subs). Many are happy to do this for new people with a sincere interest.
Events can be intimidating, especially as a new person going alone. Fortunately there is a website called Fetlife.
BEFORE you go hop on Fetlife read this http://www.learnaboutbdsm.com/fetlife-how-to/
Once you have joined Fetlife you can find local events here (https://fetlife.com/events/near_me_in_city)
If you aren’t comfortable with going to an event or you want to find something purely online, here is what you should do.
A little bit of homework
- Write out a list of realistic expectations. Yes, write it down. Describe your ideal (not perfect because no one is perfect) match. Do you want someone new who will explore with you or someone experienced that can show you the way? Someone your age or someone older?
- Write down what kind of relationship do you want? Casual dating or committed and monogamous? Someone that will go to events with you or just play online? Be specific.
- Write down your likes outside the bedroom. Even a full time live in BDSM relationship will be just a fraction of the time you spend together. Make sure you find someone that enjoys the same things you do the rest of the day/night.
- Make sure you have realistic expectations for what kind of response you will receive.
Women – you will get a LOT of responses (especially if you post pics of yourself) and likely feel overwhelmed. Be prepared, maybe even write a polite but firm turn down response to copy/paste into your replies.
Men – you will be one of many responding. Copy and paste messages won’t stand out and neither will the short, one liners that sound like the script for a phone sex like. Make it worth their time to respond.
Creating your Dom/Sub profile
- Join a site and look around. Wait for AT LEAST 2 weeks before filling out any profile info or responding to any messages
- Look at the profiles of others like yourself. If you are a Dom look at other Dom profiles. If you are submissive look at other submissive profiles.
- Don’t state in your profile that you are new or don’t know what you are doing. That will attract people who prey on novices. Being new is nothing to be ashamed of, we all started somewhere. You can always tell someone the details in your 2nd or 3 conversation.
- Use a city nearby, but not yours if you are worried about privacy.
- If the site allows you to filter responses use them and make it clear in your profile so that readers that don’t fit what you are looking for won’t waste their time.
- Post normal G rated pics. You can always share dirty ones later but you will get better responses if you present yourself in a positive way from the start.
- On many websites like Fetlife and Alt.com you can mark photos so that only friends can see them
- Don’t post a pic unless it is of you. Most websites will delete your profile and ban you for using a picture that isn’t of you (just because others get away with it doesn’t mean you should sink to their level)
- In your profile answer a few basic questions. What your ideal match is, what you offer and exactly what kind of relationship you are looking for.
- Towards the end of your profile ask anyone responding to title their response with something specific like “Title your message with your favorite song. When you write me tell me about where we would go on our first date.” This will tell you that they read it and its not a copy and paste message.
- As you get responses there will be things that you want to add. Keep it positive, don’t mention bad experiences
Interacting with Doms and subs
- A good Dom believes in manners and respect. He will show that from the start and continue showing that as long as you return it
- If someone contacts you pretending to be a Dom and making rude or explicit comments immediately, respond that you are not interested and ignore them. If they harass you after you have said you aren’t interested, block them
- Read the profiles of people that contact you. Pay attention to who their friends are and what groups they belong to. Observe the company they keep as well as how they express themselves in the comments they leave. This will tell you the most about them. Ask yourself if that is the kind of person with whom you want to be associated.
- Don’t be afraid to make first contact. A Dom loves when a woman makes it clear she is interested
- If you decide to correspond through email use an email address you set up only for online dating.
- Ask for a proof pic. This is a G-rated pic of a person holding up sign with a specific message on it like “Hi Joe”. That way you know the pic is recent and really of them.
- Don’t meet until you have talked a few times on the phone or shared a video call.
- Ask lots of questions. Many Doms enjoy teaching and training a sub so your being curious will appeal to them.
- Be clear about what you need. Again, a good Dom is used to training so they are patient and understanding. A sub by their nature, wants to please and live up to expectations. At the same time don’t play games or waste their time. Earning trust goes both ways.
If you have any other suggestions about how to find your Dom/sub partner, leave a comment below!