Archive for the ‘BDSM Basics’ Category:

List of BDSM Fetishes and Activities

In a previous post we discussed the importance of setting bdsm limits. It is important to keep in mind what is a hard limit for one person can be a fetish for another. This list below is very long and includes many different types of play and relationships. No one is going to enjoy all of them. It is ok to say you don’t understand or don’t like something.

At the same time BDSM relationships rely on respect. Not only for ourselves and our partners, but for others in the community. Even though we may not enjoy a specific activity or idea, we must respect those in the community whose desires are different than ours.

The Dominant and submissive should both complete these checklists separately. Once completed, and only after completion, should they share their lists.

Click this link to download our BDSM CHECKLIST in PDF format

Safety tips for meeting someone the first time

Meeting a Dominant or Master in person can be exciting and intimidating at the same time. Everyone hears the urban myths and horror stories because people like to talk about the bad more than the good. The vast majority of interactions are safe, as long as you follow a few simple suggestions.

  1. Always meet in public
  2. Always have a safety call. That is someone you call before you meet the person, knows who you are meeting and you call a few hours later to let them know you are safe. (give them a window like 9pm-10pm just in case you get caught up in the excitement and forget)
  3. Most cities have a decent BDSM community with a few events and meetings (in public) every month. You can find out more on our BDSM Resources page
  4. Always make sure you discuss limits (read more about them here) BEFORE discussing the fun stuff. If a Dom/Master doesn’t ask BEFORE they talk dirty to you that is a sign they are inexperienced or don’t respect you and care about your safety
  5. Never play with someone who doesn’t know what they are doing. Ropes, wax and other things are AMAZING FUN. At the same time they are very dangerous. A candle can cause 3rd degree burns. A bad knot can cut off circulation or cause nerve damage.
  6. BDSM isn’t about sex. It is about mind over body. Find a space where you are comfortable and play safe.

BDSM Limits

Limits are the foundation of a D/s relationship and in another article we will discuss why. There are three basic kinds of “limits” in BDSM. This post will give a brief overview of them.

It should be noted that a sub/bottom does not need to give a reason for their limits. Their limits should be respected regardless of the logic or rationale behind them.

Universal Limit – These are limits which are more than just a limit. They are the law and typically the same for all respectable practitioners of BDSM. Universal limits include involving people against their will, children or animals.

A few examples would be

  • Abusing a child/minor
  • Forcing someone that is drunk or unable to give consent
  • Rape or when it is clear the submissive is unwilling to participate

 

Hard limit – A hard limit is something that must not be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. These are things the submissive states she will never allow and her Dominant will respect.

Some examples:

  • “Scat is a hard limit for me”
  • “I have a back injury, so striking on the back is a hard limit”
  • “I was abused and he would choke me so choking is a hard limit”

 

Soft limit – A soft limit is something that a person hesitates about or places conditions on, but for which they will still give informed consent. These can be limits because you have never tried them or you have a specific concern that you want to make sure is address. They may also be limits that change over time as trust and desires grow.

Examples are:

  • “I would have a 3some but only if we are on vacation so I know I would never see them again.”
  • “I like anal but only if there is a lot of lube”
  • “You can tie me up but you have to promise you won’t tickle me.”

 

These are just a few examples. Outside of universal limits, they vary for everyone. Limits should be respected by a Dominant no matter how silly or small they seem. Decide for yourself what your limits are, be open and honest about them.

Also keep in mind that limits may change. You may trust your dominant more and be willing to take greater risks. You may make something a limit and then see it at a a BDSM event and want to try it. You may think something sounds fun but when you experience it, you decide to add it to your list of limits. Limits evolve as your experiences grow. Discuss them with your Dom and adjust them when you feel the need.